Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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