i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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