So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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