There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Vodka?
Forever.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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