I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
