i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
