I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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