Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
