Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
