My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
