I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
