i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
