Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
