giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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