I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
