Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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