we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Randomize
