hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
