It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We need a shit load of segways right now
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
