Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm really busy with my period
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