Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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