every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
