Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
