i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
