there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
