Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
