I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
