It's like God shit irony all over that family
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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