She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
