I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
