I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
