I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
