Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
