and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
