someone threw a dead crab at me
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
