If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
