meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
