i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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