its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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