Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
