Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
