I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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