Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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