The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
