I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
