I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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