The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
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