sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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