got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
God I need to hump something, right now.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
