My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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