i wish my penis had a tongue
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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